...I quit smoking. I never smoked cigarettes, so before you go there stop. This has both positive and negative effects for me.
Positives:
1. Ambition, and an overwhelming amount. I had completely forgotten what it's like to want to do something, and then be able to make it happen. Not saying Stoners don't have ambition, but it's greatly stunted, and by the time they get around to making Step 1 hapen, they forgot what they wanted to do all together.
2. Energy... And the ambition makes me use the energy wisely. Again, not saying Stoners don't have energy, I always had an abundance of energy, but now it's...
3. Focused. I remember the license plate of the old Negro who almost hit me on my board today as I'm in the crosswalk (more on that later.) the focus is like the ambition, when I wake up in the morning, the focus allows me to divide my tasks into individual parts, instead of looking at them as one giant hazy blur which will get done at some point.
4. Money... Now goes towards something that will last, instead of going up in smoke. It constantly amazes me a 360 game costs as much an 1/8 of dope. Only, the video game has replay value, has a resale value, and will still me there in a week.
5. Appetite. This one is both a pro and a con. Unlike most Stoners, I had my appetite curbed by smoking on a regular basis. Now that I'm not smoking, I eat 2-3 times as much. I look better (conceited, I know, but it's how I feel and this is my blog. As I've said before, if you don't like it, please go fuck yourself.)
Negatives:
1. I quit smoking cold turkey. This is to be expected, as for me, it's either all or nothing. This itself may not seem like a negative, but you should realize, I started smoking after high school. I waited until I graduated, and then it was about a year until I started smoking on a regular basis. Then, I started smoking like a chimney... So for the past five years, I have been stoned. It's not an exageration, it's truth, and anyone who has known me in the past 5 years will refute this. It's not something I'm proud of, I'm not ashamed, but it's important background info when I talk about quitting cold turkey.You can imagine what I'm going through only if you've been there. This isn't a hard drug, but once you quit, you experience some of the same withdrawl effects other, harder drugs carry with them.
2. Anger! I am naturally a very, very aggressive person. Combine that with my short temper, lack of patience, and ADHD... Voilà! A ticking time-bomb on a Hiroshima level. No joke... I've voiced how angry I can be in blogs past, and that's when I was still smoking. Now I don't have that natural downer, my body and mind tend to act on their own, but not in a good way (more on this later as well.)
3. Drinking... The legal drug. This one is becoming a huge problem quickly. Now I have extra cash flow, my drinking has increased. Little by little, and even though I know most of the bartenders at the establishments I visit, I still pay for others drinks, and shots all around. Sad, pathetic, and something I'm not proud of in the least.
4. Stand-offish. I've been told that I have a Napoleon complex. I stick up for what I believe in, and I absolutely not back down, no matter what. I don't care if it costs me my life.
5. I Just Don't Give A Fuck... About anything, anyone, or any part thereof. Along with being stand-offish, I'm also emotionally unavailable, and this has only been magnified by my recent quit. Oh well, ćest la vie. As I said, I just don't give a fuck.
Now, since I got all of that out, some good things:
I moved into my own place. I have a one-bedroom, basement apartment. It has a seperate entrance, in a house made famous by Roosevelt (I don't know the details, but it was built pre-1900. I also only pay 1000 a month, which is completely unheard of for my area. The downside... I own no furniture whatsoever. I have a bed, and some nightstands in W.Va., but that's 3.5 hours away. Suck.
On a completely seperate note, I met an ex-Marine, who had been stationed in Liberia, suffered a shrapnel explosion to the head. When he woke up, he was in a Catholic church hooked up to an IV, which had not been screened. He is now HIV-positive.
22.5.09
As of late...
4.5.09
Old English
After reading my past posts, I feel as though people might get the wrong idea of what I decide to scribe.
I also come off as a huge asshole (which I don't particularly care if you agree or not) and that's not my intention.
ASK if you have a question about something.
...life is too Fucking short to hold out for something better. You have one shot in this thing called Life. Do everything possible to make it an experience someone will want to tell stories about later. Nothing is certain, nothing, and you can't keep living as though you know what's up. You gotta drop all notions of omniscience and do your own thing.
...after all, even the [Bible and God] are just [Paper and Words]
I also come off as a huge asshole (which I don't particularly care if you agree or not) and that's not my intention.
ASK if you have a question about something.
...life is too Fucking short to hold out for something better. You have one shot in this thing called Life. Do everything possible to make it an experience someone will want to tell stories about later. Nothing is certain, nothing, and you can't keep living as though you know what's up. You gotta drop all notions of omniscience and do your own thing.
...after all, even the [Bible and God] are just [Paper and Words]
28.4.09
Passed, Present, and Future
This post will have no order, and probably no meaning.
I write for myself, and if someone else happens to read what I write, they would do well to keep in mind that it's what's bouncing around inside my head. It doesn't mean that I want you to comment on what I'm saying, or that I want to you even read what I've decided to write. It means that you're fuckin' lucky I decided to write anything down at all and you happened to get the chance to read it -- don't flatter yourself, I write for me, not you.
That being said, my writing is like my life. I do what I want to do. I do not compromise what I want to do with others desires. I try as hard as possible to make sure that no matter what I do, I want to do it. Unfortunately, you don't get to count in what happens when you meet someone that makes you want to do things (even if you don't think you want to.)
People suck. You are born and family sucks. You grow up and your friends suck. You get older and your friends suck more. You die, and you suck big time. I've lived coast to coast, and I've found maybe 10 people that I would want to surround myself with for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, these friends of mine all happen to live 3+ hours away (womp-womp). On some fronts, this is a good thing. You don't tire of them quickly, and it gives you something to look forward to. On the other hand, it leaves you feeling completely, and ultimately alone. Of course, I'm a loner (so I being lonely doesn't really matter, but it takes it toll after a while.) I spent my childhood walking around a forrest, by myself. Literally. I would spend days alone, just walking through nature enjoying what this earth had to offer. I didn't have to talk to anyone, I didn't have to explain myself, and I didn't care about anyone else.
Of course, you think you can stay like that forever. You think, "Oh, well... I'm good to go."
Then... you finally meet someone, and the whole world goes slightly turbo. You start to want to do things with/for them. You want to be around them a lot. You start to think about what things will be like down the road (not very far, no plans, remember?) Hell, life seems fun. It seems like the whole reason for being alive is so that you can meet someone and share something special with them, namely, a life. An experience. A way to make things feel right.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. The child who has never been in a serious relationship once again, has no fucking clue what a relationship is. In his eyes, it's all one big game to make people feel better about themselves from time-to-time. It's a quick fix that doesn't involve stoning out, or shooting up. It's also unfair. Once again, the child is alone. Pretty much walking through a forrest with no one to talk to, and no one to walk alongside of him.
A distressing situation at best, and yet, it seems as though this is exactly what meant to happen.
The kid can't say that it doesn't bother them... 'cause just like everyone else in his life that loved him because "they are supposed to", the one person he tried to love did the same as everyone else.
They gave up
I write for myself, and if someone else happens to read what I write, they would do well to keep in mind that it's what's bouncing around inside my head. It doesn't mean that I want you to comment on what I'm saying, or that I want to you even read what I've decided to write. It means that you're fuckin' lucky I decided to write anything down at all and you happened to get the chance to read it -- don't flatter yourself, I write for me, not you.
That being said, my writing is like my life. I do what I want to do. I do not compromise what I want to do with others desires. I try as hard as possible to make sure that no matter what I do, I want to do it. Unfortunately, you don't get to count in what happens when you meet someone that makes you want to do things (even if you don't think you want to.)
People suck. You are born and family sucks. You grow up and your friends suck. You get older and your friends suck more. You die, and you suck big time. I've lived coast to coast, and I've found maybe 10 people that I would want to surround myself with for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, these friends of mine all happen to live 3+ hours away (womp-womp). On some fronts, this is a good thing. You don't tire of them quickly, and it gives you something to look forward to. On the other hand, it leaves you feeling completely, and ultimately alone. Of course, I'm a loner (so I being lonely doesn't really matter, but it takes it toll after a while.) I spent my childhood walking around a forrest, by myself. Literally. I would spend days alone, just walking through nature enjoying what this earth had to offer. I didn't have to talk to anyone, I didn't have to explain myself, and I didn't care about anyone else.
Of course, you think you can stay like that forever. You think, "Oh, well... I'm good to go."
Then... you finally meet someone, and the whole world goes slightly turbo. You start to want to do things with/for them. You want to be around them a lot. You start to think about what things will be like down the road (not very far, no plans, remember?) Hell, life seems fun. It seems like the whole reason for being alive is so that you can meet someone and share something special with them, namely, a life. An experience. A way to make things feel right.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. The child who has never been in a serious relationship once again, has no fucking clue what a relationship is. In his eyes, it's all one big game to make people feel better about themselves from time-to-time. It's a quick fix that doesn't involve stoning out, or shooting up. It's also unfair. Once again, the child is alone. Pretty much walking through a forrest with no one to talk to, and no one to walk alongside of him.
A distressing situation at best, and yet, it seems as though this is exactly what meant to happen.
The kid can't say that it doesn't bother them... 'cause just like everyone else in his life that loved him because "they are supposed to", the one person he tried to love did the same as everyone else.
They gave up
27.10.08
token (deter)mination?
general disclaimer: opinions are a mental construct, and obviously not thought to be shared by all
You May Not Complain About My Verbal Graffiti
Mankind is the bane of civilization. We are fucking ourselves out of existence. We perpetuate every stereotype ever created, and we laugh about it. Maybe some omnipotent man in the sky will magically make everything better with his illegitimate, turn-the-other-cheek-pansy-ass son. Seriously, the Bible, the Koran, the Pali Canon... any of the holy books, are nothing more than an elaborate version of Aesop's Fables. Yet, none of them make quite as good a point as Aesop. It's odd that no matter what religion, faith, or freedom of choice you are, we are all still struggling with the futility of our existence.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, and continue to say it, "The Smiths are so busy trying to keep up with the Jones, and they're all sinking on the same ship. Time isn't going to stop, and you're not going to become immortal. Nothing but death and time are immortal, and I'm always questioning time. Work toward a greater goal for all mankind instead of individual gain. Sharing never hurt anyone, ever. Period."
Oh, and I'm not going to vote. No, I don't care what anyone says, I don't believe in wasting my vote to write-in someone who I know would only get my vote, and I would not vote for anyone on the ballot. When they stop the whole "separation of church and state" issue, and there are no more prayers at the National Conventions, then yeah, maybe I'll start voting. Until then, I'm not going to waste my breath on anyone who is willing to sacrifice their beliefs not only in themselves, but in what this country was founded on, just so they can gain power. That's kind of rise to power is not deserved.
Anyway, Goodnight and Good Luck
You May Not Complain About My Verbal Graffiti
Mankind is the bane of civilization. We are fucking ourselves out of existence. We perpetuate every stereotype ever created, and we laugh about it. Maybe some omnipotent man in the sky will magically make everything better with his illegitimate, turn-the-other-cheek-pansy-ass son. Seriously, the Bible, the Koran, the Pali Canon... any of the holy books, are nothing more than an elaborate version of Aesop's Fables. Yet, none of them make quite as good a point as Aesop. It's odd that no matter what religion, faith, or freedom of choice you are, we are all still struggling with the futility of our existence.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, and continue to say it, "The Smiths are so busy trying to keep up with the Jones, and they're all sinking on the same ship. Time isn't going to stop, and you're not going to become immortal. Nothing but death and time are immortal, and I'm always questioning time. Work toward a greater goal for all mankind instead of individual gain. Sharing never hurt anyone, ever. Period."
Oh, and I'm not going to vote. No, I don't care what anyone says, I don't believe in wasting my vote to write-in someone who I know would only get my vote, and I would not vote for anyone on the ballot. When they stop the whole "separation of church and state" issue, and there are no more prayers at the National Conventions, then yeah, maybe I'll start voting. Until then, I'm not going to waste my breath on anyone who is willing to sacrifice their beliefs not only in themselves, but in what this country was founded on, just so they can gain power. That's kind of rise to power is not deserved.
Anyway, Goodnight and Good Luck
11.9.08
28.8.08
The First Rule of __________
"Jack was born a healthy baby to a healthy family.
Jack lived a healthy life.
Jack volunteered with the homeless and the elderly.
Jack had many healthy friends.
Jack got married and had a healthy wife, and healthy kids.
Jack's healthy children got married and had healthy kids.
Jack's grand-children got married and had healthy kids.
Jack lived a healthy life.
Jack died of old age."
"Jack's healthy friends eventually died of old age.
Jack's healthy wife died of old age.
Jack's healthy children eventually died of old age.
Jack's grand-children eventually died of old age.
Jack's great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
Jak's great-great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
Jak's great-grand children eventually died of old age.
Jak's great-great-grand children eventually died of old age
Jk's great-great-great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
Jk's great-great-great-great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
J's great-great-great-grand children eventually died of old age.
J's great-great-great-great-grand children eventually died of old age...
...wait, who was I talking about again?"
Jack lived a healthy life.
Jack volunteered with the homeless and the elderly.
Jack had many healthy friends.
Jack got married and had a healthy wife, and healthy kids.
Jack's healthy children got married and had healthy kids.
Jack's grand-children got married and had healthy kids.
Jack lived a healthy life.
Jack died of old age."
"Jack's healthy friends eventually died of old age.
Jack's healthy wife died of old age.
Jack's healthy children eventually died of old age.
Jack's grand-children eventually died of old age.
Jack's great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
Jak's great-great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
Jak's great-grand children eventually died of old age.
Jak's great-great-grand children eventually died of old age
Jk's great-great-great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
Jk's great-great-great-great-grand children got married and had healthy kids.
J's great-great-great-grand children eventually died of old age.
J's great-great-great-great-grand children eventually died of old age...
...wait, who was I talking about again?"
25.8.08
iStone
Hello. My name is iStone. Due to lack of comprehension skills, you may not be able to understand what is being said, but that's okay, just wait for the haze to clear...
Better?
I thought so...
In the past few months life has been like one of those open-shutter pictures where you let it expose over a long period of time. Especially if you look at the headlights on cars. An obvious blur. It has beautiful wavelngths and then there is the ugly side. The pieces of the picture that are stagnant.
I don't really understand much about life, but I don't think I'm supposed to either. This conscience existence doesn't seem like it's long enough to understand everything, or even a portion of it.
I don't have the ability to talk openly about what bothers me, I'm just not good at it. Lately there has been a lot on my mind. A lot... and I don't know how to talk about it. This is not a cry for help, this is me getting things off my chest. Just because this is appearing in the public eye doesn't mean that I want sympathy, or empathy. It just means it's what is on my mind.
The one thing that's on my mind more than anything else is anger. Anger about everything. I have an extremely short amount of patience, and lately the smallest things have been pissing me off. Not just pissing me off, but making me visibly upset. I often feel like getting into fights, just to hit something. I know there should be a "healthy outlet", but lately I don't have the energy to find one. I don't have the energy to do much of anything except menial tasks that don't require much thinking.
Yeah, I still feel like hitting someone
Better?
I thought so...
In the past few months life has been like one of those open-shutter pictures where you let it expose over a long period of time. Especially if you look at the headlights on cars. An obvious blur. It has beautiful wavelngths and then there is the ugly side. The pieces of the picture that are stagnant.
I don't really understand much about life, but I don't think I'm supposed to either. This conscience existence doesn't seem like it's long enough to understand everything, or even a portion of it.
I don't have the ability to talk openly about what bothers me, I'm just not good at it. Lately there has been a lot on my mind. A lot... and I don't know how to talk about it. This is not a cry for help, this is me getting things off my chest. Just because this is appearing in the public eye doesn't mean that I want sympathy, or empathy. It just means it's what is on my mind.
The one thing that's on my mind more than anything else is anger. Anger about everything. I have an extremely short amount of patience, and lately the smallest things have been pissing me off. Not just pissing me off, but making me visibly upset. I often feel like getting into fights, just to hit something. I know there should be a "healthy outlet", but lately I don't have the energy to find one. I don't have the energy to do much of anything except menial tasks that don't require much thinking.
Yeah, I still feel like hitting someone
23.8.08
I've Never Seen Anything So Beautiful...
This anecdote is not for those who have a thirst that cannot be quenched 'til they comprehend the inner-workings of time and space. This is not necessarily shared in hopes that anyone will understand it, nor is it a death's whisper. I'm not sure if I understand it, however, if anyone else has a deluge of enlightenment, the weather has been quite arid as of late...
An early evening just on the edge of dusk was settling on the day like a sea of down. The air was alive with heat and electricity all throughout the clouds. As lightning snapped upon the frozen and marble stones there was a rush of symphonic vibrations within them. Gaia smiled affectionately upon the scheme of such simple yet spontaneous gems. Gemstones that wore the mantle of nobility and were polished to glow. If one were to probe further into the activities they would view a multitude of random events that happen so perfectly in tune with each other it was as though Fate was weaving a loom with their very wavelengths. It was as though the very air causing them to shake and shudder about was actually causing them to combine. Soft whispers caused small reactions that seemed to let on as though they knew more than anyone thought.
The stones danced about in a delicate and shimmering web of everything that was Hope. Almost as quickly as one of them moved the other would follow, almost as if the very heavenly bodies magnetized their auras. They scattered across an invisible plain of swirling dust and then cacophony ensued. Splashes of crimson mixed in with shades of silver and black. All the while, vibrating to a beat that wouldn't bend or decrease. The tempo seemed to speed up while the surroundings changed from the cold concrete reflections on the marble and glass to a wave of blue. A wisp of sulfur drifted up from the tiles and sand, and a union of thoughts were transferred from Soul to Soul. A union of unknown possibilities and acceptable Fear wafted through a forest covered in moss.
As the dawn drew across the sky a series of figures that were neither smoke nor sunshine, a new theory had materialized. A variation on any unborn process linking together Love and the impossible. Time stopped shooting the fragments off into a spacial distortion which curved the vibrations they carried into molds that shaped mountains. In a reversal of fortune, the once famous symphony turned to a few notes scribbled upon a sheet of old parchment from a novice conductor for guidance. A spectacular cloud of rain, dark and ominous, soaked the stone until there was nothing but the early morning dusk and the frozen expanse where heartstrings were plucked by harpies. A bright flash of light skewed the horizon with the promise of hinged Delirium cascading into the Hope for lightning once again.
An early evening just on the edge of dusk was settling on the day like a sea of down. The air was alive with heat and electricity all throughout the clouds. As lightning snapped upon the frozen and marble stones there was a rush of symphonic vibrations within them. Gaia smiled affectionately upon the scheme of such simple yet spontaneous gems. Gemstones that wore the mantle of nobility and were polished to glow. If one were to probe further into the activities they would view a multitude of random events that happen so perfectly in tune with each other it was as though Fate was weaving a loom with their very wavelengths. It was as though the very air causing them to shake and shudder about was actually causing them to combine. Soft whispers caused small reactions that seemed to let on as though they knew more than anyone thought.
The stones danced about in a delicate and shimmering web of everything that was Hope. Almost as quickly as one of them moved the other would follow, almost as if the very heavenly bodies magnetized their auras. They scattered across an invisible plain of swirling dust and then cacophony ensued. Splashes of crimson mixed in with shades of silver and black. All the while, vibrating to a beat that wouldn't bend or decrease. The tempo seemed to speed up while the surroundings changed from the cold concrete reflections on the marble and glass to a wave of blue. A wisp of sulfur drifted up from the tiles and sand, and a union of thoughts were transferred from Soul to Soul. A union of unknown possibilities and acceptable Fear wafted through a forest covered in moss.
As the dawn drew across the sky a series of figures that were neither smoke nor sunshine, a new theory had materialized. A variation on any unborn process linking together Love and the impossible. Time stopped shooting the fragments off into a spacial distortion which curved the vibrations they carried into molds that shaped mountains. In a reversal of fortune, the once famous symphony turned to a few notes scribbled upon a sheet of old parchment from a novice conductor for guidance. A spectacular cloud of rain, dark and ominous, soaked the stone until there was nothing but the early morning dusk and the frozen expanse where heartstrings were plucked by harpies. A bright flash of light skewed the horizon with the promise of hinged Delirium cascading into the Hope for lightning once again.
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