...I quit smoking. I never smoked cigarettes, so before you go there stop. This has both positive and negative effects for me.
Positives:
1. Ambition, and an overwhelming amount. I had completely forgotten what it's like to want to do something, and then be able to make it happen. Not saying Stoners don't have ambition, but it's greatly stunted, and by the time they get around to making Step 1 hapen, they forgot what they wanted to do all together.
2. Energy... And the ambition makes me use the energy wisely. Again, not saying Stoners don't have energy, I always had an abundance of energy, but now it's...
3. Focused. I remember the license plate of the old Negro who almost hit me on my board today as I'm in the crosswalk (more on that later.) the focus is like the ambition, when I wake up in the morning, the focus allows me to divide my tasks into individual parts, instead of looking at them as one giant hazy blur which will get done at some point.
4. Money... Now goes towards something that will last, instead of going up in smoke. It constantly amazes me a 360 game costs as much an 1/8 of dope. Only, the video game has replay value, has a resale value, and will still me there in a week.
5. Appetite. This one is both a pro and a con. Unlike most Stoners, I had my appetite curbed by smoking on a regular basis. Now that I'm not smoking, I eat 2-3 times as much. I look better (conceited, I know, but it's how I feel and this is my blog. As I've said before, if you don't like it, please go fuck yourself.)
Negatives:
1. I quit smoking cold turkey. This is to be expected, as for me, it's either all or nothing. This itself may not seem like a negative, but you should realize, I started smoking after high school. I waited until I graduated, and then it was about a year until I started smoking on a regular basis. Then, I started smoking like a chimney... So for the past five years, I have been stoned. It's not an exageration, it's truth, and anyone who has known me in the past 5 years will refute this. It's not something I'm proud of, I'm not ashamed, but it's important background info when I talk about quitting cold turkey.You can imagine what I'm going through only if you've been there. This isn't a hard drug, but once you quit, you experience some of the same withdrawl effects other, harder drugs carry with them.
2. Anger! I am naturally a very, very aggressive person. Combine that with my short temper, lack of patience, and ADHD... Voilà! A ticking time-bomb on a Hiroshima level. No joke... I've voiced how angry I can be in blogs past, and that's when I was still smoking. Now I don't have that natural downer, my body and mind tend to act on their own, but not in a good way (more on this later as well.)
3. Drinking... The legal drug. This one is becoming a huge problem quickly. Now I have extra cash flow, my drinking has increased. Little by little, and even though I know most of the bartenders at the establishments I visit, I still pay for others drinks, and shots all around. Sad, pathetic, and something I'm not proud of in the least.
4. Stand-offish. I've been told that I have a Napoleon complex. I stick up for what I believe in, and I absolutely not back down, no matter what. I don't care if it costs me my life.
5. I Just Don't Give A Fuck... About anything, anyone, or any part thereof. Along with being stand-offish, I'm also emotionally unavailable, and this has only been magnified by my recent quit. Oh well, ćest la vie. As I said, I just don't give a fuck.
Now, since I got all of that out, some good things:
I moved into my own place. I have a one-bedroom, basement apartment. It has a seperate entrance, in a house made famous by Roosevelt (I don't know the details, but it was built pre-1900. I also only pay 1000 a month, which is completely unheard of for my area. The downside... I own no furniture whatsoever. I have a bed, and some nightstands in W.Va., but that's 3.5 hours away. Suck.
On a completely seperate note, I met an ex-Marine, who had been stationed in Liberia, suffered a shrapnel explosion to the head. When he woke up, he was in a Catholic church hooked up to an IV, which had not been screened. He is now HIV-positive.
22.5.09
As of late...
4.5.09
Old English
After reading my past posts, I feel as though people might get the wrong idea of what I decide to scribe.
I also come off as a huge asshole (which I don't particularly care if you agree or not) and that's not my intention.
ASK if you have a question about something.
...life is too Fucking short to hold out for something better. You have one shot in this thing called Life. Do everything possible to make it an experience someone will want to tell stories about later. Nothing is certain, nothing, and you can't keep living as though you know what's up. You gotta drop all notions of omniscience and do your own thing.
...after all, even the [Bible and God] are just [Paper and Words]
I also come off as a huge asshole (which I don't particularly care if you agree or not) and that's not my intention.
ASK if you have a question about something.
...life is too Fucking short to hold out for something better. You have one shot in this thing called Life. Do everything possible to make it an experience someone will want to tell stories about later. Nothing is certain, nothing, and you can't keep living as though you know what's up. You gotta drop all notions of omniscience and do your own thing.
...after all, even the [Bible and God] are just [Paper and Words]
28.4.09
Passed, Present, and Future
This post will have no order, and probably no meaning.
I write for myself, and if someone else happens to read what I write, they would do well to keep in mind that it's what's bouncing around inside my head. It doesn't mean that I want you to comment on what I'm saying, or that I want to you even read what I've decided to write. It means that you're fuckin' lucky I decided to write anything down at all and you happened to get the chance to read it -- don't flatter yourself, I write for me, not you.
That being said, my writing is like my life. I do what I want to do. I do not compromise what I want to do with others desires. I try as hard as possible to make sure that no matter what I do, I want to do it. Unfortunately, you don't get to count in what happens when you meet someone that makes you want to do things (even if you don't think you want to.)
People suck. You are born and family sucks. You grow up and your friends suck. You get older and your friends suck more. You die, and you suck big time. I've lived coast to coast, and I've found maybe 10 people that I would want to surround myself with for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, these friends of mine all happen to live 3+ hours away (womp-womp). On some fronts, this is a good thing. You don't tire of them quickly, and it gives you something to look forward to. On the other hand, it leaves you feeling completely, and ultimately alone. Of course, I'm a loner (so I being lonely doesn't really matter, but it takes it toll after a while.) I spent my childhood walking around a forrest, by myself. Literally. I would spend days alone, just walking through nature enjoying what this earth had to offer. I didn't have to talk to anyone, I didn't have to explain myself, and I didn't care about anyone else.
Of course, you think you can stay like that forever. You think, "Oh, well... I'm good to go."
Then... you finally meet someone, and the whole world goes slightly turbo. You start to want to do things with/for them. You want to be around them a lot. You start to think about what things will be like down the road (not very far, no plans, remember?) Hell, life seems fun. It seems like the whole reason for being alive is so that you can meet someone and share something special with them, namely, a life. An experience. A way to make things feel right.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. The child who has never been in a serious relationship once again, has no fucking clue what a relationship is. In his eyes, it's all one big game to make people feel better about themselves from time-to-time. It's a quick fix that doesn't involve stoning out, or shooting up. It's also unfair. Once again, the child is alone. Pretty much walking through a forrest with no one to talk to, and no one to walk alongside of him.
A distressing situation at best, and yet, it seems as though this is exactly what meant to happen.
The kid can't say that it doesn't bother them... 'cause just like everyone else in his life that loved him because "they are supposed to", the one person he tried to love did the same as everyone else.
They gave up
I write for myself, and if someone else happens to read what I write, they would do well to keep in mind that it's what's bouncing around inside my head. It doesn't mean that I want you to comment on what I'm saying, or that I want to you even read what I've decided to write. It means that you're fuckin' lucky I decided to write anything down at all and you happened to get the chance to read it -- don't flatter yourself, I write for me, not you.
That being said, my writing is like my life. I do what I want to do. I do not compromise what I want to do with others desires. I try as hard as possible to make sure that no matter what I do, I want to do it. Unfortunately, you don't get to count in what happens when you meet someone that makes you want to do things (even if you don't think you want to.)
People suck. You are born and family sucks. You grow up and your friends suck. You get older and your friends suck more. You die, and you suck big time. I've lived coast to coast, and I've found maybe 10 people that I would want to surround myself with for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, these friends of mine all happen to live 3+ hours away (womp-womp). On some fronts, this is a good thing. You don't tire of them quickly, and it gives you something to look forward to. On the other hand, it leaves you feeling completely, and ultimately alone. Of course, I'm a loner (so I being lonely doesn't really matter, but it takes it toll after a while.) I spent my childhood walking around a forrest, by myself. Literally. I would spend days alone, just walking through nature enjoying what this earth had to offer. I didn't have to talk to anyone, I didn't have to explain myself, and I didn't care about anyone else.
Of course, you think you can stay like that forever. You think, "Oh, well... I'm good to go."
Then... you finally meet someone, and the whole world goes slightly turbo. You start to want to do things with/for them. You want to be around them a lot. You start to think about what things will be like down the road (not very far, no plans, remember?) Hell, life seems fun. It seems like the whole reason for being alive is so that you can meet someone and share something special with them, namely, a life. An experience. A way to make things feel right.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. The child who has never been in a serious relationship once again, has no fucking clue what a relationship is. In his eyes, it's all one big game to make people feel better about themselves from time-to-time. It's a quick fix that doesn't involve stoning out, or shooting up. It's also unfair. Once again, the child is alone. Pretty much walking through a forrest with no one to talk to, and no one to walk alongside of him.
A distressing situation at best, and yet, it seems as though this is exactly what meant to happen.
The kid can't say that it doesn't bother them... 'cause just like everyone else in his life that loved him because "they are supposed to", the one person he tried to love did the same as everyone else.
They gave up
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